Well...

Wednesday, 11th February, 2009

I got out of bed this morning happy and refreshed. I left home sad and angry. I arrived at the bus stop only to cheer up. I sat on the bus angry. I went to school happy. I spent recess confused and sad. I spent science feeling uplifted and proud. I spent English feeling happy. I spent the bus trip thinking about everything. Mostly things that resulted in being sad. I spent sport feeling amazingly happy. I walked home amazingly happy. I walked in the door of my house a little down. I sat at the computer. I got depressed. I cried. I then got better, at peace with my situation. Then I got sad again, which resulted in crying. Then, I got slightly better.
Right now, I can't decide what I'm feeling. Sad, content, depressed, pathetic. I don't know where to start.
Well actually, right now, I'm content. I'm sure that will change within the next hour.
Jimmy and I aren't going out anymore. We're just friends.
Brilliant, isn't it?
The first guy I ever hooked up with and bam! The next day I get dumped. Man, I feel so good about myself! (Sarcasm).
Oh, now I'm angry. [Just incase you wanted to know]. Oh, now I'm not angry. I'm sad. Sad/Content. I don't know.
My friend is trying to cheer me up. For some reason, it just makes me sadder. I wouldn’t tell him that though.
Jimmy asked me if I was okay. What am I supposed to say? "Yes. I'm absolutely fine. Quite cheery, actually. You just made my day!"
Well I didn't say that. I told him I was fine. I think he believed me.
I wish he cared.
Well I just found something out.
Emily knew. Emily knew that Jimmy didn't like me. She knew before I talked to her yesterday. She sat there, listening to me talk about everything, and she didn't say a word. She asked me if I am mad at her. I was, but now, I'm not. I'm not anything. This was my reply to her:
"I want to say that I'm mad. And I want to say that I'm depressed, and I want to say I'm happy, and I want to say I'm fine. I want to say I'm content. I want to tell you I'm in pain. I want to tell you I'm in fucking agony.
But actually, I don't feel anything. Nothing. It's like I'm on auto. Like a robot. The only thing I feel is air rushing in and then out of my lungs. I barely feel the keys under my fingertips. The fan is making my skin cold, but I don't notice it. It seems like I don't notice anything anymore. I didn't notice that Jimmy didn't like me. I didn't notice that one of my best friends was hiding a secret from me while I made a fool out of myself.
And you know what? It is just… indescribable. Like I'm below emotions. They can't touch me from where I am. I was fine. I was fucking fine until you told me that. I snapped. It's not your fault. But I snapped. And now I've snapped so far that the words I'm writing don't even seem to make sense to me. I'm not thinking like I normally do. My brain has no part in these words. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not strong.
Oh look. Now I have tears in my eyes. I don't think I can really feel them either. I don't know why they're there. I'm not sad. I don't think I'm unhappy. I can not tell. Tonight, I'll sleep. And I'll wake up,
and I'll be content. And then my 'dad' is guaranteed to say something. Something that will make me feel not good enough. Something that will suggest or inform me that I'm doing something wrong. And then I'll get angry.
Then I might go into my room. And then I might cry. Or get my scissors and scratch at my skin until it bleeds. Then I might feel better. Still angry. Maybe still sad. But better.
And at least I'll be feeling something. And then I'll go to school. And I will be happy. And I say be, because I won't just be acting. I don't just pretend to be happy. At school, I laugh, and it's genuine. At school, I'm happy and it's for real. Anywhere when I'm with my friends, I'm happy.
If I get sad at school, then I'll act sad. I don't hide it. I don't get sad at school often though. So tomorrow, I'll be fine. But right now, I'm not sure if fine is the right word."
I added some into it then, but I guess that sums it up.
I feel… content right now. It's blurry. It's faded. But it's there somewhere. So tomorrow, I'll be better. I promise.
The thing that makes me feel… worse, I guess. Is the fact that deep down, I think I knew he didn't like me. And I don't think I liked him.
Since the day we started going out, I haven't been sleeping well. I guess tonight will bring out whether that my guilt is why I have not been sleeping.
Also, when we kissed, there wasn't anything there. It was… mechanical. Like, I could have been kissing anyone and it would have felt the same. It wasn't extremely special. I don't know.
Also, I've been getting a bit emotional a lot lately. I think it had something to do with that.
After these realizations hit me, I suddenly don't feel so bad. Well, I suddenly actually feel something.